My dad and i used to do a lot of kayaking when i was a kid, we did several trips with the barrie canoe and kayak club and on our own.

Living out west, there is a whole new territory to explore that i’ve got no experience in. I’ve never been out in the ocean in a sea-kayak which sounds stranger than it really is.

My dad is gettin’ on a little, but he paddles regularly in the city near his condo. When i suggested that if he came out west, and wanted to paddle he would have a friend to go with (me!) I think he’s starting to consider it.

The best times to go are high summer but that’s when i’m least likely to get time off of work, although i suppose i could swing a few days off in a row. :)

This book looks the the bible of bc coastal kayaking, i’m so psyched!

I think i need to start thinking about where and when i can afford to do things like taking kayak self rescue courses, where i can rent a wet/drysuit, and equipment and what kinds of trip we would go out on (me and my 72 year old father that is!).

So excited for this to happen. i am a big fan of the rivers and rainforests so that might be something to do also, just to go a bit inland and soak up the mountain air!

I picked up Deepak Chopra’s ‘Seven Spiritual Laws of Success’ at the library the other day.

I agree with lots of it, feel like he’s hitting me over the head with some of it, and rolled my eyes maybe twice..
Something in it though which struck me and caught my current state of mind was the part in ‘The Law of Detachment’ where he talks about uncertainty.

Uncertainty, and the confused deer-in-headlights effect it has on me is a major source of anxiety in my life, or has been.

Its been a week and a bit with the Celexa and I should mention that it feels good.
I am grasping less and less for ‘security’ or perceived concepts of security anyway, and i still feel like my add self, i don’t feel numbed in the least, just less coiled up, and a touch more level.. its a better place to ‘work from’ :)

Anyway: Uncertainty

‘In my willingness to accept uncertainty, solutions will spontaneously emerge out of the problem, out of the confusion, disorder, and chaos. The more uncertain things seem to be, the more secure i will feel, because uncertainty is the path to my freedom. Through the wisdom of uncertainty i will find my security.’ -Chopra

I love this idea.
In fact i feel like that is a concept i will adopt as my mantra for the next few weeks. I feel like it can become an autopilot reaction to the anxiety for now and perhaps as well for the time when/if i decide to cut out the medication.

I was able to shift my the course of my frustration with authority figures and bullies into a certain reverence and make them in concept my ‘zen master’(s)... i’m psyched for this next challenge.

My ankle hurts once in a while, and the lump is still there, but its not getting bigger and its not specifically worrying to doctor types.

I swim once or twice a week.
I walk to work and back (3.2km each way) or I cycle and i stand a lot at work.
I volunteer at the theatre at least once a week usually.
I’m pretty sure that the weird tingling will stick around for a while, but i’ve worn heels for long stretches of time, and i’ve done almost everything except ballet and climbing on this foot of mine with no pain other than what one might expect from a normal and healthy foot now so i think its as repaired as it is going to be.

It is amazing how much these things affect a person.
I will forever have more compassion and consideration for those who have injured themselves. i will also not bother to ask them their story over again about the event of injury… its a tiresome tale or was in my case.

Its completely disabling at worst, and mildly irritating at best. it makes me feel inconsitent and causes people to assume that i’m lacking self esteem.

I know deep down that everything is okay, that this too shall pass, that i am mortal and blessed to have the opportunity to fail. I know that i’m worth knowing and that i’ve got lots to offer the world, BUT…

I get caught in loops of self-judgement that it seems are impenetrable by normal means of physical activity, meditation, yoga, discussion…. i have never done the therapy thing, and the only thing that psychologists/atrists ever tell me is that i’m perfectly normal, well… no. Thats not the case.

I seek out approval in embarassing and irrational ways, i eat emmotionally, i cause drama and fish for complements, i abuse my body with over indulgent drinking and smoking, i have giagantic long distance bills from calling old friends who can talk me down, or just listen to me rant for hours at a time until i start to feel normal again. I have cut and otherwise damaged myself in the past. I wouldn’t say that i’m prone to depression, in fact i have a pretty sunny disposition for the most part, maybe even perky! I have occasional panic attacks and a few years ago, i was prescribed Ativan for occasional self-medication and have been using it pretty steadily once or twice a week just to keep on top of the times that my palms start to sweat and i can feel myself tumbling out of control.

For the most part i don’t think its entirely apparent how much i struggle with this, i don’t think that many people aside from close friends can see me for what i am. I think most people just see the slightly neurotic and perhaps adhd young lady that i probably am, and that’s great, but i would just like a normal week.

I would like a week where my heart isn’t racing, and where i’m not caught thinking about something for so long that the dominoes start falling and i’m late for work, and then in trouble, and then akward and flustered all day.

I’m a good girl, i mean well, i want to be the person i know i am all the time. I know most people probably feel like this, but I really don’t know what else i can do. I’ve tried everything i can think of up til now, and now i’m getting serious about it.

I got a scrip for ‘celexa’ today and i guess it will be a few weeks/month until i have an idea of what effect it might have on me and my life but i am hopeful.

My doc suggested that i start on a lower dose and build up to the daily dose and i’ll see her in a month about it…

I don’t like the idea of becoming reliant on anything. I don’t like that i’m looking beyond my determined heart to deal with this but after all these years of struggle, i want a break.
I love my energy and enthusiasm and other things that start with E, but i’d like to know whats on the other side of that.

Maybe i could have a beneficial and mutual relationship?
Maybe i could be better at my job?
Maybe i could have stronger relationships with my friends and family because ill be more apt to listen to them, rather than always trying to make sense of my headspace out loud in their confidence.

Maybe, and maybe not. We’ll see.

I am a silly girl.
I was icky-uncomfortable and also strangely fem-empowered on halloween, dressed (out not up) and in a sticky situation that i should’ve avoided so as not to be thus-icky.

I was graceless and made mistakes, well perhaps i’m beating myselfup for naught… i wasn’t trying to impress anyone thats for sure and i managed to do the precise opposite… not entirely unlike me.
I forgive my actions and am not upset about the reprocussions of all that, i guess i feel weird about how irratically i was acting and how desperate for attention i felt.

Its something that underlies what i am, and i get that, but i’d really like to be a decent person while outside relationship and not a maniac… i’m not pro at that.
I really crave the balance of being in relationship, i crave feeling accepted, and included. I like my solo time and my solo persuits but I am pretty bad at relaxing when its just me on my own. I crave downtime, i crave touch and body heat and laughter. Its one of the only aspects of my life where i’m actually ‘DRIVEN’ i guess, and i wish that i could channel it into things like rrsp deposits and budgeting, alas, it only stresses me out half of what being single does. I’m actually thinking of investing in some hypnotherapy.. like ‘compassion is wealth, pay down your frets’ or something equally lame-rson. I know i know… MEDITATE! its cheaper!!!

It was kind of fun being a dirtbag… especially on halloween… It was slightly less fun to ruin my own reputation, but i feel like that had to happen, so, well done. In a city where no one will remember my name, it was good to get out of the rain. :)

I forgot that living with someone can be trying sometimes.

I am up for the challenge, I embrace it even, but i need to remember to take time for myself and to state what i need when it comes down to something making me uncomfortable.

I had been ‘bothered’ by things up until this week in a vague kind of way and finally i just spewed them out in a big hairy akward clump and that sucks. I should rather have been more upfront and aware of the thigns that were getting under my skin previous to the bubble burst.

I need to be more attentive to my own balance to make life more harmonious at home. That is all. Until further notice i think i’ve been being a pretty decent and consciencious roommate, and its fun!

:)

Its kind of fun shaking things up a bit when you are confident you can do a good job.
I solved a problem today by taking it upon myself to make a part for a customer, something pretty far outside the vernacular of the shop (so far) and something that my co-workers seemed pretty skeptical about.

Its odd having people be suspicious of your abilities and knowing down under that you are completely competent… it makes you doubt yourself a little… anyway, i stayed after hours to complete the job and i feel like i did a pretty good one even without the tools i would’ve preferred to have had. :)

I feel like i would like to talk to my boss and the guys when we have our meeting (sometime in the future?) about shop policies and see if there is a concrete way we can find to bill for this kind of thing. I’m pretty happy to make it a habit to compensate for suppliers who are lax and bored if it is actually a money maker for the store.
Its good for my reputation but there is no reason we should be doing it so cheaply!

Also, I had a pro player bring in his ‘rath’ trombone last night after everyone had left and we chatted about the horn and what work it needed and i feel like i gave a good impression of my honesty and dedication to the field to a customer who seemed confident in coming back. It was a really cool tbone with a detatchable change wrap on the crook end, made in England of all places. Ah, but there IS a market for well made custom brass!!! :)

I feel like my niche is starting to carve me out. Hoorah!

My Life on the whole is influenced by my daily habits or lack thereof.
I am accepting Jian Ghomeshi’s Radio Q Challenge Suggestion of doing 100 days worth of something as a kickstart to my best decade yet, the twenty-teens!

Part 1:

Better Dental Hygene
-Brush Teeth AT LEAST once a day,
-Floss AT LEAST twice a week!
I am going easy on myself with this one to start but I need to be
Brushing after meals and Flossing each day in 2010 and thereafter.

Part 2:
-15 Minutes or more of Daily mediation to bring mindfulness to the forefront of my life.

Part 3:
-Learn 1 new thing each day and write it in your datebook, a word (in finish), a concept, a method, a fact, whatever that thing is, make note of it.

Part 4: 20.1 pushups and sit ups each day for a total of 2010 of each!

This particular challenge comes at a very good time for me.
I am just ending a relationship, I have a new job in a new city and want to get into a happy and healthy pattern of working and living here for at least a few years, everything is getting ‘permanent’ for the first time in many years for me and i am realizing that I have bad habits as a response to a transient and unsettled lifestyle.

Its about time i make my well being a priority.
Today is the first day of the rest of my life!

I want very much to be seen and understood in my life, i have a sort of sick affection deficit disorder or have had and i get myself in to the pickles with people who are really nice and well meaning and genuinely like me and then i feel to crappy to be honest and break it off… and when i do balls up and let my frankness shine, i feel guilty anyway.

I am feeling super karmically ‘gunkked up’ right now, right here.

i know for sure that the times i’ve gone on internet dates and its turned into something it us usually more of a ‘grasping for some connection thing’ than an actual attraction. I wish that weren’t the case.

I won’t be doing that anymore.

I broke up with A last night… which needed to happen but is sad all the same.
He’s a SUPER sweet guy and i wish that it could’ve been more excellent, but i never felt that ‘gush’ of wanting to kiss him after a few weeks away, i know he appreciated me, but i don’t feel like he really got me. :( I kept trying to make the math work out in my head but it just didn’t. Just didn’t.

Anyhow. I’m off to work and then after that my life keeps happening.

I’m looking into the future and seeing myself happily single and perhaps even quirky-alone for a while. I’m living a great life, and all i have to do is keep enjoying it. :)

I’m SO happy that things are starting to not suck.

My foot is HEALING really and truly and so is my very stubborn ankle which has given me the most trouble since i could but weight on the whole assembly.

I walked a bunch this weekend while visiting Seattle, and it was good up to a point when my foot was just so tired that it wanted to go home. :P

Oh well… i have been biking to work a little and today was the real test becasue i had to bike all the way up the darn hill where i live on the way home and its a BIKCH! I have to do that every day for a while to rebuild my cardio but hey, at least its on the way home and on the way to work i can just basically coast. :)

I even figured out what street to cross at today to get to work the most efficiently. :)

I am excited to go to whistler this weekend, i hope to be able to get my hiking boots on and do some lightweight hiking out there before the season closes in on us and we are awash with west coast rain once more.

Come on little foot, you can do it!

I am walking almost completely normally now, which is hecka cool, but its also a little daunting since there are big lists of things that i was putting off and now i should really get at them. :S Oh well.

No more canes or crutches or moon-boots or borrowed roommate sneakers (she’s 2 sizes bigger in the feet than me), Look out world, i’m on the move!

I’m hoping that another week from now i’m feeling golden and no longer swollen. :)

Life is good if you let it.

So,
I live in East Van, in a house with a Wick-ass roommate who is interesting and smart and likes me and has a whole corral of great people in her life and shares them with me too.

I have a job that is maybe the best entry level job in my field in the country i call home.

I have the best career i could ask for that is invigorating, interesting constantly making me think and learn and that doesn’t drain my balls completely.

I have the most wonderful, varied and fun group of friends from the house i lived in when i first came here who have made me a part of their family and continually invite me to join in their celebrations and their larger lives. It was such a blessing to get to live with folks first because it is like a crash course in friendships and now we know each other REALLy well probably yes too well.

I have the time and energy and little bit of money to have hobbies again and the opportunity to finish things. I am taking a ceramics course in a few weeks and jumpstarting my art career as a sideline to my job.

I have family who although i don’t see them often becasue they are far away, i am closer too than i think i have ever felt. I am looking forward to seeing them on my own terms.

I have a long distance relationship that is working despite my tirelessness in wanting to forclose it for the reasons of inconvenience i keep being convinced of the value of our longer term investment in each other. I am convinced. I am also grateful for the weekends i get to leave here and go there, and come back to this city refreshed with a new eye towards its goodness.

I am excited about what is to come, and even more excited that all of these wonderful things came about in one little summer.

I helped all of these things along.

I never would’ve anticipated this summer.

I never would trade it.

I feel like my life is building me

So things have sped up/slowed down lately and i’ve been feeling like the summer is just WHIZZING By, its the 19th of AUGUST for heavens sake and we’re busy as a inlet river in salmon run season at work. :)

I moved (in with help) 2 weeks ago, after breaking my foot and being laid up in bed for almost a whole week. I’m back upright and not spending 2 of my 8 hours of work equity paying for cabs to get there and back which at least, is comforting. I have to take extra transit to get to my new house but i love it more because it is mine and it feels like MY HOME which i have missed.

My last place was the home where my roommate lindsay nested and i just used her furniture and filled her cupboards with food etc. I don’t have much but i love what i have and i’m really loving being home and being comfortable, its giving me just the landing pad i need to really take some steps towards leaping out into my best life!!!

Incidentally i had great housemates and now they are great friends on Maddams St. and now i have found that i have an absolutely wonderful roommate. We had such a great turnout/time at our house-swarming last weekend, i’m so GLAD to be here, to have made these choices to be living this life. I’m so optimistic about what might be! Hoorah!
I can’t beleive i have no pictures, well yeah, i guess it makes sense but now that i can carry things in my hands again, i think its time to start taking some pictures of my neighborhood and my life here on Venables.. c’est si belle!
I just wish i were able to start a garden here for the winter… for various reasons its just not gonna happen until spring. :S Oh well… it will be that much more glorious when it does!

So its monday 5 days after ‘the incident’ and i am learning things.

Physically the ankle is feeling a lot better and flexible but is easily tired. The foot is generally looking better and the swelling is going down so that now i can see that i do have an arch etc, and where it is healing it feels itchy, tingly and warm which is really kind of neat. The whole kit is now an EW colour of Mustard/Gold with flecks of Blues, Purples and Burgundy thrown in.

I had no occasion to think before this how exhuasting crutches are. They are exhuasting… and its very good that i was in decent shape because i’ve grown aware of how good a work out i give my operable leg (mostly my thighs/calves) which does all the pushing work and is responsible for hopping me around the house as i’ve pretty much given to leaving the crutches by the door.. My arms were sort of sore from them, especially my pecks/delts but i woke up yesterday and the worst sore of all of me was my lats… the muscles behind my neck and under my shoulderblades. Oh man!!

Well that’s enough complaining for one day, but i wanted to post a bit about the COOL side effects of all this nonsense.

Cab Drivers: are fantastic people in the City of Vancouver, and i suspect in many places. I think i learn more about topics like geography, world history, local lore, views on urban issues and society etc. from the cab drivers that i’ve been meeting for 10/15 minutes at a time than in any one high school class!!!

I met a man yesterday for instance and had the most engaging conversation about Vancouver and he gushed about living there and his family (2 children) and his wife (who his family didn’t like, and whom he met in halifax where he had first fled to from somalia and how he followed her here for love etc. Everything came up naturally and was the best conversation i had all day! I asked him when i was nearly home, because his english was a bit clouded with accents, ‘do you speak many languages?’ and then found out that before he moved to canada in 1989, when he was younger his parents had sent him to norway for school. He spoke swedish, norweigan, some russian and italian in addition to somali language and english. WOW!!! We had a laugh about him surprising a norweigan family in his taxi years ago and speaking to them in their language, they had never met someone black who spoke it!!! I didn’t realize until i got home that, that was the first time since wednesday that i haven’t had to explain my injury to someone, we didn’t have time. :)

I guess cabs can be worth the investment sometimes as they are often not occasionally staffed by interesting people who drive all day and are often more than willing to chat, what fun!

Oh, and i have a new toy… a green and blue dreamtime didgerydoo my freind gary made out of pvc tubing and sold and workshoped in the park near his house. It was so good to spend an afternoon participating in something that wasn’t a huge struggle! I really like playing it and i think after some practice i could get this circular breath thing down.

My man andy is coming today to help me move some stuff into my new house, and to hopefully whisk me away on a weekend of luxury and pleasure. :)

can’t wait!

I am so much softer now.

Its been a year and so much in me and in my life has changed for the better.
I’m not saying that life is solved, i’m just confident that i’m on my way.
I feel so much anguish about the way i’ve gone about things in the past. I’ve had a really hard time in relationships and every time i meet someone and get involved there is a growth spurt.

I don’t regret my choices or methods, but I was wondering this morning, laying in bed with my busted foot up on a pillow not really ready to make a break for the crutches… what might have my last relationship been like if i were who i am now?

I would say an awful lot better.
It wasn’t a good relationship, because we weren’t looking for the same things. We had a lot in common and pushed each other in various ways to be better and more well rounded. We were both very passionate, but where i was almost ‘devoted’ to him he was just ‘enjoying the ride’.

I bet he would’ve liked who i am now a lot better. And i bet i would’ve been more comfortable with the ‘practical’ nature of our relationship but honestly, i guess its his loss, or well… both of our gain.

i was feeling so melencholy about that relationship and (after all he was the one who ‘wanted to stay friends’and then disappeared,) that i wrote a letter to our one mutual friend to find out if he’s at least ok.

I don’t know what is inspiring this line of thinking right now… maybe its that i miss the academic lifestyle but not the academic himself..?

I always admired what he did, getting to think creatively and be rewarded for it. I think i would like to do that one day… maybe once my loans are paid down… (famous last words!)

I’m also curious about his work and what he’s been up to professionally. It interested me then, and i heard A LOT about it, and it would be nice to know what came of those things, his research, the play he was starting to write when we split, the 10 minute play he had written for the humana festival (i even went to the humana this year because it happened to be at the same time/place as the NAPBIRT conference, i looked for him in the program notes…).

You can’t change the past and the past is guaranteed to change you…

I have to find gratitude and let this evaporate into the beautiful day it has turned out to be outside.
I will stop letting what was cloud what i have now. carpe diem!!!

Also, someone is playing trumpet outside in the park, it is worse than my playing GRIN!!!
I

I

I am so much softer now.

Its been a year and so much in me and in my life has changed for the better.
I’m not saying that life is solved, i’m just confident that i’m on my way.
I feel so much anguish about the way i’ve gone about things in the past. I’ve had a really hard time in relationships and every time i meet someone and get involved there is a growth spurt.

I don’t regret my choices or methods, but I was wondering this morning, laying in bed with my busted foot up on a pillow not really ready to make a break for the crutches… what might have my last relationship been like if i were who i am now?

I would say an awful lot better.
It wasn’t a good relationship, because we weren’t looking for the same things. We had a lot in common and pushed each other in various ways to be better and more well rounded. We were both very passionate, but where i was almost ‘devoted’ to him he was just ‘enjoying the ride’.

I bet he would’ve liked who i am now a lot better. And i bet i would’ve been more comfortable with the ‘practical’ nature of our relationship but honestly, i guess its his loss, or well… both of our gain.

i was feeling so melencholy about that relationship and (after all he was the one who ‘wanted to stay friends’and then disappeared,) that i wrote a letter to our one mutual friend to find out if he’s at least ok.

I don’t know what is inspiring this line of thinking right now… maybe its that i miss the academic lifestyle but not the academic himself..?

I always admired what he did, getting to think creatively and be rewarded for it. I think i would like to do that one day… maybe once my loans are paid down… (famous last words!)

I’m also curious about his work and what he’s been up to professionally. It interested me then, and i heard A LOT about it, and it would be nice to know what came of those things, his research, the play he was starting to write when we split, the 10 minute play he had written for the humana festival (i even went to the humana this year because it happened to be at the same time/place as the NAPBIRT conference, i looked for him in the program notes…).

You can’t change the past and the past is guaranteed to change you…

I have to find gratitude and let this evaporate into the beautiful day it has turned out to be outside.
I will stop letting what was cloud what i have now. carpe diem!!!

Also, someone is playing trumpet outside in the park, it is worse than my playing GRIN!!!
I

I

I know i’m now on the upswing of the immediate healing phase of my sprain and of my swollen foot because i’m bored and looking for occupation.
I plan to go to work tomorow but i would’ve been exhausted if i’d gone in today… it was tough to get through the pile of dishes i washed nevermind a full 8 hours. I’m going to do my ab best tomorow, and then i have sunday monday off to recoup and regroup.

I’m not sure what will happen with the ‘no weight bearing’ part… i shouldn’t be moving around and i WONT be washing things on crutches… its tricky enough nevermind slippery floors.

I am going to get the rest of my rest today, write some more letters, have a shower before bed, maybe even wash my sheets.

I’m going to see about getting a knee scooter (alternative to crutches) and i think that will make working a whole bunch better… but them mats will have to go!
I am told i’ll be able to put weight on it in two weeks so maybe the scooter is excessive i just can’t imagine how i’ll be a help at work sitting down ALL the time. half of what i do is cleaning.

Hmm.. we’ll see.

vancouver bc is such a beautiful place in the summer and now i’m sort of housebound…. lame!!!

It sounds like i’ll be back on my feet but not all day and not bearing any weight for a few weeks and then i think i’m getting a cane…. but my foot wont be cast i’ll get a ‘brace’ for it instead and that at least allows me to shower or swim as i can. :)
I made a list of pros and cons to the whole debacle and the thing that sucks the mst aside from work is the fact that thereis no hiking or camping in my future at least until the fall… cast will be on until 15th of september.. oh well i will have lots of time to make things and read and watch some imdb movies and draw with wire or on paper.

today is another day of rest for sure though as i have to get the swelling down.

she is my fab housemate and has been troubled with some life stuff lately and thats blah, but she’ll be okay and i think she felt better to be in my company today.

We made dinner and chatted and then we went a few blocks down and visited some of her friends and i met some really great people who i think will be allies of my in future days… and people i can invite to my housewarming party.

Jill spoke of how glad she was that i was so social and easy going and how glad she was that we went even though she was feeling a bit anti-social.

I’m glad to have helped make her day better and i’m even gladder to be so included in her life and to have met some new wonderful people as a perk of that!

I would rather not fall on my ass. it hurts and causes a disturbence in the space time continum or at least in the day of the person who happens to be nearest/notice.

It is sometimes the consequence of living in a world full of other people and their interests and sometimes just because of faulty senses of time perception or flawed swiss or unswiss timepieces or hazzards of dalight svings time or other such nonsense….BUT I HATE IT. I get all knotted up and anxious and guilty and silly… sometimes it means you get to wait at airports which i like, or sometimes its expensive but anyway really i am happier to be on time for things i feel like it is a way of showing respect for the event/universe.